Oh, calamity! Is there noooo way out?!

Because no one has stepped up to be my running partner (except Shaunmarie) I've had to bite the bullet and prepare for solo long runs. On Saturday I decided I would skip running my safe little loop and branch out.

So I have this little box of maps for runs/hikes in Forest Park. They're lovely little brochures with runs on virtually every part of the Wildwood trail and other little trails. I went through them looking for one that was 8 or more miles. The one I found was titled: Old Growth and was 8.75 miles. I wrote down the route, paying particular attention to the end where it said: "This part can be confusing....yadda yadda yadda." I folded my little piece of paper and put it in my short's pocket.

Foreshadowing alert: I put the little brochure on the kitchen table and said to Michael: "If I don't come back, this is where I went."

Leg #1: Saltzman to Wildwood to Maple (4.2 miles)
The run starts on Saltzman road. This is pretty familiar territory as Coach and I have started some runs at this point. It's a nice one-mile down hill run to the Wildwood Trail. The weather was kind of weird...foggy but sunny, dry but very wet. I passed some people and almost kicked another dog. I'm really beginning to hate people and their dogs.

I made it to the Wildwood trail sign and had to do some quick thinking/math to decide which way to run on the trail.

And I'm off! This part of the run is S.W.E.E.T. It's virgin territory, it's mostly downhill, it's soft on my legs and I'm feeling the adrenlain from taking a risk (shut up, this was huge for a directionally-challenged, perpetually-frightened-of-bob-cats-person). At one point I thought I heard a mountain lion and sprinted until I passed three people going the other way and thought the lion would eat them instead.

I soon discovered the old growth trees. And, I'm not one to be awed by nature, but I was pretty impressed by these trees. Not only were they huge around, but tall and some were right on the trail. Gigantic trees. In my stupor I missed the sign for the Maple Trail. I have to turn around and find it. The sign was in a stupid spot. Dummies. Extra mileage: negligible.

Leg #2 Maple to Leif to Saltzman (supposedly 4.5 miles )
So I start going down the Maple trail, and it's just a small trail covered with leaves, very narrow and a little dangerous in some areas. This is when I began to feel a little Blair Witch about this whole thing. But I sucked it up and kept going until I got to Leif Erickson.

Let me say again: I hate Leif Erickson. The rocks that make up the asphalt rock pavement suck ass. Who wants to run and constantly feel rocks poking and hurting their feet? GOD. However, I was pleased to see that up at mile 5 or so the trail is deserted. I do the two miles on Leif and the IT bands are barking.

But no worries, because once I hit the clearing in 2 miles, it's only a mile or so back to the car! SWEET! As I'm running I realized this would be a great place to dispose of a body or kill someone. I quickly made a note to buy some mace. For the bobcats and serial killers. And the weird biker that snuck up behind me and then quick passed me and then passed me going the other way in about four minutes. TOTALLY FREAKY.

So I finally got to the clearing, pulled out my directions and read them very carefully. The clearing had picnic tables and there was a couple standing on top of one. I tell them I'm checking my directions and they say: "So are we." So, I am a little rushed at this point because I want to appear like I know what I'm doing. EVEN THOUGH I WILL NEVER SEE THESE A-HOLES AGAIN, I FEEL THE NEED TO RUSH OFF LIKE A BIG RUNNER GIRL WHO KNOWS WHERE SHE'S GOING. And even though on either side of Leif Erickson, from whense I came, are signs that say "to Saltzman road." Can endorphins make you stupid?

Good times(tm).

I ignored both signs for Saltzman road and headed down this weird trail (first hint) , and all of a sudden, there's a fork in the road. That's right, I could go right or left. But my directions say that I'm to take a left on Saltzman Road. Weird. I didn't want to risk it, so I ran back to the clearing. Extra mileage: one quarter mile.

Unfortunately the cool couple I wanted to impress had already left and I was alone in the clearing. I read the directions again. Basically it says this: "gradual left, steep downhill to right, left on Saltzman." Hmmm. I began to panic. If I didn't find the way I'd have to retrace my steps and run an extra 7+ miles. I almost cry and definitely felt a bit Texas Chainsaw Massacre about the whole thing, but then I saw the "gradual left with sharp downhill to the right" from my directions! Hallelujah! Off I went with a spring in my (shuffling) step.

In about three minutes I came up on a white mile marker, just like the ones that are on Leif Erickson! Weird, I thought. But I'm sure Saltzman road is just right up here, I'll take a left and boom. I'm in the car drinking my so refreshing gatorade. A whole quart of lemony limey goodness. So I kept running. I hit another mile marker...same kind as before, white and resembling those on Leif. Hmmm. I started getting a little suspicious, especially when I hit on Firelane 5. But I kept going.

Until finally I realized that I went the wrong way again, and now...extra mileage: probably 1.0 miles. I ran back to the clearing, with permission to walk as necessary. Standing there I realized there is but one more way to go...up the road that has a sign that says "To Saltzman Road." And wouldn't you know it, down the road came a runner lady who steered me in the right direction up the most clearly marked and obvious route possible.

Then I ran and walked another mile and a half back to my the truck. And sprinted the last 100 yards and hugged the truck. And chugged the Gatorade. And called Michael. He was almost concerned, but happy because he had put away the little brochure without looking at it and had no idea where I was. When I got home and read the brochure again, the directions were very clear: do not go down the gradual left with the steep right downhill, that is Leif Erickson.

I wrote down what not to do.

Holy cow, are these good times(tm) or what?

Bringing Back the Hate

Get ready people, I am ready to hate and hate and hate today. I'm not used to the monthly occurance that hits most women, so I'm going to chalk about 22% of the attitude to my period and the rest to fucking idiots. For real.

Elf was here over the weekend with Frank and the darling baby Mattie who a) is seriously cute as a button, b) can practically say as many words as the O-man (not that I'm comparing) and c) says woof woof to the dogs. I tried to coax Elf back to Portland by taking her on a run up at Forest Park with Coach. Although it didn't work, I could tell she had forgotten how beautiful it is up there and I know that when the time comes, Portland is going to be the frontrunner for the new home city of choice.

Not much to say about that run except I was the lead runner, which is not a good position for me. Whenever I hear pounding feet behind me, I speed up. Needless to say I couldn't talk the entire run and we ended up finishing with a time that was 1 minute and 30 seconds faster than I normally run that mofo. Crazy right? Especially because again, this was my "recovery" run from my long run the day before, and it wasn't very recovery-y or easy.

[quick tangent: did anyone watch the Nova special Marathon Challenge? Nova formed a team of 13 non-runners who barely exercised and then helped them train for and complete the Boston Marathon (although I wasn't onboard with non-qualifiers getting to run that race, i got over it). Needless to say, I learned a lot. Namely that weight loss is not about exercise at all. It's about diet first and foremost. You all may know this, but I really thought that training for a marathon would help the women drop some pounds. MOST LOST NO WEIGHT! Crazy, right? The doctor did say that running was good for weight maintenance. Anyhoo, I digress. It was a great show and I totally cried when they all finished.]

So, in my never ending quest to keep losing weight (I hit the 20 pounds loss mark yesterday hoorah!), I've decided to step up the diet and the exercise because I'm going home to PA for Christmas and if I don't hear some oohing and ahhing about my weight loss, skulls will be cracking. Yesterday I ran for 49 minutes and two things happened that pissed me off.

1) A pack of dogs circled me like I was a fucking rabbit they wanted to eat. The three women were so busy talking about stupid West-side stuff they didn't notice their Chocolate lab sniffing my ass or the yappy rat dog jumping on my leg. I was PISSED but of course stuffed it deep into my belly instead of screaming at them.

2) Coming up behind two geezers, I said "excuse me" and "pardon me" about five times with zero response. Finally I just had to blow by them because I assumed they heard me even though they didn't stop or move over. Here's the thing: stop for three fucking seconds so I KNOW you've heard me and I can go by without hurting anyone. Or turn around to see who the bitch is that wants to pass you. But PLEASE! Acknowledge that I have said something to you before I haul off and kick you in the shins with my stylish trail shoes.

My next hate-filled diatribe has to do with Halloween. I like Halloween as much as the next guy. But there are rules, and if, as a parent you ignore these rules, I can egg and toilet paper your house the next day. Here they are:

1. Lights off inside and outside means NO CANDY WILL BE GIVEN AWAY FROM THIS HOUSE. PLEASE GO AWAY.
2. If the lights are off, do not let your kiddies traipse up to my door, ring the doorbell, aggravate the dogs who bark so loud that they wake both my babies who have been sleeping for over an hour.
3. If there is a sign on the door that reads: "Please do not ring or knock the door. Two babies are sleeping...dogs will bark and wake them. Sorry!" PLEASE DO NOT RING OR KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

Obviously we had some issues last night with Halloween. Especially irritating were the children whose parents allowed them to come up to the dark house with a note on the door and then scream "THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THERE!!!!!!!"

And no, my two children under the age of 2 will not be trick or treating and collecting candy for god's sake! Because this is the attitude of the O-man during the entire Halloween day:

Although the baby didn't seem to mind as much:

The end. Whew. Thank you so much. I feel much better now.